Chaotic Foundations
by Sonnet
Summary: Preface to Yggdrasil. It explores Quatre's feelings, his memories of his recent past and the atrocities he was forced to perform. Songfic. Complete.


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Warnings: 3+4, Angst, AU, Songfic, Sap, Quatre's POV 

Disclosure: Gundam Wing is the copyright of all those wonderful people at Sunrise, the lyrics to 'Easier to Run' are copyright of Linkin Park, I make no claim against either the characters or the lyrics! 

Notes: This songfic takes place at the beginning of the PROPHETS Saga. It explores Quatre's feelings, his memories of his recent past and the atrocities he was forced to perform. 

Thank you Anne for beta reading this for me! *Hugs*

**Chaotic Foundations**

It's easier to run

Replacing this pain with something numb

It's so much easier to go

Than face all this pain here all alone

'Command to 04, come in, 04…' I sigh, my voice void of emotion as I reply to the summons. I hardly recognise it, but then it's been a long time since I have recognised anything to do with the person I once was. 

'I read you, command. I am currently travelling through quadrant 059985.64. ETA at target 23:52. All systems nominal…all readouts normal.' The intercom is quiet for a moment, giving a brief respite from the relentless evil that drives me. Then it splutters to life again poisoning the blessed peace of silence. 

'We copy you, 04, proceed as instructed. Command out…' 

Serenity once again descends on the cockpit and I close my eyes for a moment, silently giving thanks for the return of the stillness. It is two hours until I arrive at my destination, and for a moment I feel as if my anxiety will overwhelm me. Will my plan work? Will the dummy system really knock the Gundam offline long enough to let the enemy destroy me? I mentally shake myself. I must not begin to doubt my plan now. It is too late. 

I shudder in the dark; saving my energy for the battle means that only the emergency sidelights on the Gundam are in operation. They shine a weak light throughout the cockpit. Barely enough for me to make out the outer rim of the manual release system for the door, but I don't mind. Monsters such as I should only have darkness close to them. It mirrors their hearts, if they have them. I haven't felt mine for so long that I can't really remember. 

Forcing my emotions under control, I bury them deep within me. 'Soon,' I whisper to the darkness. Soon it will all end and I can rest. Drifting into unconsciousness I smile weakly in the shadows. Yes, soon it will all be over, the incessant guilt over my actions, the voices of those dead because of me will be stilled. Soon… 

Something has been taken 

From deep inside of me

A secret I've kept locked away

No one can ever see

Wounds so deep they never show

They never go away

Like moving pictures in my head

For years and years they've played

****

I dream…

I named the Gundam Nemesis. It represents vengeance, my retribution against those who feel no pain. Those who carry on with their lives oblivious as I suffer…revenge. I don't have anything else. 

I walk aimlessly through the colony, watching silently as a mother and her child play in the sun. The artificial breeze sends ripples though their hair as they share that precious moment together. I am fascinated by the innocent delight on their faces as they gaze into each other's eyes, the love they share. I stop to watch them as they play. They are ignorant to the fact that this is the last time they will share such an intimate moment. 

I try to remember my mother…but the reminiscences elude me. I can't even remember her face, not her smile, nor her laughter. They all elude me as I struggle to remember the person I once was. 

The doctor's voice rings in my ears. 'You are a machine. Nothing more than a tool of those who are strong enough to risk all to win. You feel nothing…you are nothing, your only purpose is to obey, it is the only reason you exist.' 

Sometimes my mind rebels. It screams against what I have become, it begs me to end it…but I can never find the strength to break those bonds that bind me to his will. 

Soon the women and her child will burn, soon there will be nothing left of the colony or its people. Soon the doctor's wish will be granted. The PROPHETS will rise above the people and proclaim their fate, judging all and finding them lacking. Death will rain down on them mercilessly, sparing none, and announcing to all that resistance is futile…no one can defeat death. I am the harbinger of death…Nemesis. 

If I could change I would 

Take back the pain I would

Retrace every wrong move I made I would

If I could

Stand up and take the blame I would

If I could take all the shame to the grave I would

It's easier to run

Replacing this pain with something numb

It's so much easier to go

Than face all this pain here all alone

As always when I close my eyes, the visions of those dead by my hand drift in front of me. Their mouths open silently as they implore me to spare their lives…they plead…they beg. I watch them with dead eyes. I watch them entreat me, begging for mercy, for their loved ones, and I feel nothing. No compassion, no mercy, no sadness for what is to come…nothing. I am empty. 

I can feel the energy building inside me, the Gundam begins to resonate with the kinetic energy that flows through my body. Little do these people know that it is their own life energy I harness to destroy them. The thought makes me want to laugh out loud, the irony is just too great. 

Warning lights flash on my Gundam's control panel letting me know that energy levels are reaching a critical point. My body feels so alive as life energy flows though me. For a short time I can feel sentient. 

I feel no regret as I aim the energy amplifier at the colony. I've come to call it the spirit lance, it sounds so poetic, at least I can give them that. As I release the energy on the colony, a blinding blue light erupts from the lance and envelops the area, obliterating everything in its path. 

I watch with no sentiment as the colony burns, even out in space I think I can hear the dying screams of the people. Their agony as the heat burns their flesh destroying all their promises, beliefs and dreams in an instant. 

As the light fades a desolate silence settles in space. The stars seem to weep silently for the meaningless deaths of so many but I feel nothing. Only the tears that slide down my cheeks as I return to my master and the next mission. 

Sometimes I remember

The dreams of my past

Bringing back these memories

I wish I didn't have

Sometimes I think of letting go

And never looking back

And never moving forward so

There would never be a past

PROPHETS, the code name given to those with the ability to harness life energy. To bring it into being on the physical plain, to wield and command it. It gives them a great and terrible power…but with such power comes a great danger. If their soul is weak it may be corrupted by those who would use it to control and enslave. 

My weakness allowed me to be enslaved by the council. The doctor's vision is only becoming a reality because I am weak. Because I cannot fight the hold they have on my soul. Because I gave up my humanity and buried my heart deep beneath the emotionless exterior those few who meet me see. 

When I return from the colony I can feel their hatred, the men of the White Fang…my comrades. The thought almost makes me laugh out loud…almost. 

I try to block out their feelings but the anger, the hate, the revulsion centred on me is too great. I stumble as I walk down the corridor to my cell, their emotions weigh down on me creating an almost physical pain they are so strong. 

It is a routine I am now used to. The atrocities I commit in the name of the White Fang, but there is not a hero's welcome when I return. Only hatred and pain. The common soldiers who could never be used for such a mission, their contempt for what I am. 

I try to remember when I became used to it, but like so many other memories I cannot. It is something I accept, my punishment for what I have become. What I deserve…justice. 

If I could change I would 

Take back the pain I would

Retrace every wrong move I made I would

If I could

Stand up and take the blame I would

If I could take all the shame to the grave I would

Just washing it aside

All of the helplessness inside

Pretending I don't feel misplaced

Is so much simpler than change

The vision changes and I am back on the colony. I raise myself to my knees, my body shakes as I try to stop the tears from falling. For so long I have thought of my heart as dead, but then why do I cry? 

The woman and her child again appear in front of me. Her pleas are desperate as she holds her babe before her. Once again the flames erupt around them, smothering her and the child in a ferocious and unforgiving heat. Tears stream down my face as I hear her cries echo around me. The child's screams mirror the agony etched across the woman's face. Her eyes lock with mine as she begins to fade. 'Why…?' she whispers as she disappears. 

A sob escapes my throat and my fingers claw at the charred earth beneath me. 'Why…?' That simple word haunts me more than any of the visions. I have no answer to give. 

'Why…?' 

Because they told me to. 

'Why…?' 

Because I had no choice. 

'Why…?' 

Because I am too weak to fight them. 

'Why…?' 

Because I suffer. 

'Why…?' 

Because inside I am dead! 

Because I suffered and I died, and no one came to help me! So why should I aid you? 

The voices stop - they always do when I admit the truth. I killed them because I no longer cared. Because I was empty. Because when I prayed…no one ever came. 

It's easier to run

Replacing this pain with something numb

It's so much easier to go

Than face all this pain here all alone

'That's not true…' the voice behind me is calm and tranquil. It stills my racing thoughts as it gently resonates through the air. I turn to see him smiling tenderly at me, his emerald eyes soft. I know him. We are joined in a way I cannot even begin to describe. 

'You know that's not true. You are not the monster they would have you believe. Look deep within yourself, I know you can find the answer.' 

I lower my eyes as tears once again begin to flow. Could it truly be? Is there truly still hope for one as tainted as I? My eyes snap wide as I feel strong arms encircle me, pulling me close against a firm body. 

'Don't be frightened to look deep inside, there you will find what you seek. Come back to me, Quatre. I will help you find your peace.' 

I sigh and close my eyes as I lean back against him. Soaking up the tender emotions I feel emanating from him, so different from the hate and anger I am used to. 

He bends his head and kisses me gently, his hands moving from my waist to wrap themselves in my hair. I am breathless when he breaks the kiss. I desperately cling to him, as I know now he must leave. And that when he wakes he will no longer remember, and once again I will be alone. 

He looks at me sadly as he pulls away. I long to run to him but I know it is no use. I will never reach him in time. Holding his hand out towards me he raises his voice as he begins to fade. 'Come back to me, Quatre. Together we'll find our peace…' 

Then he is gone and I am alone. 

I wake in my Gundam. The warning signals pulse through the air. 'Together…' I whisper as I begin my final preparations for the coming battle. 

'Together…' 

~Fin~


End file.
